A somewhat depressing crash course in Life 101

Grief, sadness, anger, loss, resentment... these emotions are filled with such intensity, that to feel any of them leaves the bearer with such a complete sense of exhaustion, there's not even energy left over to explain.

T and I got home from Pop's funeral last night around 7... We spent Friday night through Tuesday evening talking, and baking, and preparing, and mourning, and reading, and loving, and sharing. And all of those -ings are enough to completely break any emotional threshold a person has, whether they be strong (like T) or wrought with emotion (like me.) I felt so blessed to be included as family, but I wish I could have eased some of the pain.

Today has been gray all around. The gray sky has no seam, it's a circle of monotony that knows no limit by compass; whichever direction you look, the earth meets the sky and all is gray. It's the perfect physical manifestation for what's left over inside after spending days mourning a great loss. 

There are lessons in all things, bits of imparted wisdom dangling off the tree of life, just waiting to be plucked down by anyone paying enough mind to the universe to catch it before it falls... I think T is learning the value of time and the sheer weight of knowing that it can't be replaced. He's in the process of all of the "I wish's," the part where you see things and say "We were always going to go there, but we never made it... I wanted to take him to see that, but we never figured out a time..." and that's the most tragic realization of all. I'm not sure he knows this is what's happening, and I'm not sure I'm correct in my observation... but it's what I'm hearing and you better believe I'm listening.

I remember when my mother died, and I learned the value of time. It was the same moment, the same instant in fact, that I also learned the value of words. When dealing with intangible ideas, you can't take anything away. You can't unlearn or unsee or unhear or unthink something once its presence has been made clear. The same instant I realized how valuable the time with my mother was, I realized how valuable the words were we shared. These are two intricate stories I'll share another time, maybe, but for now I'll suffice it to say that losing someone close is a crash course in Life 101, whether we want it or not, and we'd all do well to realize that lesson is coming and grab it while we have the chance. Words spoken and unspoken are of equal importance... somehow we find it easy to let hate fall out and love hide within.... how often do you look at someone you love and just simply say the kindness you're thinking? Probably not often enough. How often do you look at the same person and tell them their hair is out of place, or they need to cut their nails, or they should have taken out the trash or could have made dinner or on and on and on until you're blue in the face with criticism? Probably more times than you care to admit.

Life 101 - bring a notebook. Write it down. Don't forget it, this isn't a class you can take again.