The Best of Both Worlds

It's so funny how, despite knowing the choices we make are the very best ones, we sometimes find ourselves reflecting back and trying to convince ourselves that we should have chosen differently.

Even with simple things... a meal at a restaurant. Every time I order the chicken, my date orders the steak and I look longingly at his plate and instantly regret my choice. Of course, it would have been the same if I had ordered the steak, but the point here is the psychology behind our mistrust of ourselves and our ability to know what we need. Luckily, I've found someone that always orders the steak if I order the chicken, then grabs a knife and splits both meals so we always get the best of both worlds.

It took me a long time to find someone that would do that, such a small metaphor for such a large statement. I always felt that happiness was in seeking out the joy in every situation, searching high and low for a glimmer of light and holding on to it tightly until it's all that you see despite the darkness around you. I thought that happiness takes work, means being adaptable and grateful and seeing the silver lining in a sky full of dark clouds.

I was right... Happiness is definitely that, and having that ability to find the needle of pleasure in a haystack of pain is so vastly important, because life sometimes hands us haystacks and when you're a magnet to the needle it's a lot easier to deal with those situations.

But I was wrong about one thing. Life isn't just one of those haystacks. In fact, they're pretty few and far between. Of course, life isn't a Lifetime movie romance and won't always consist of sunshine and roses, because thorns and storms need to have their place too. But it's not a disgrace to not always have to work for your happy, it's not lazy for it to come to you naturally because you deserve it. Because you're a provider of happy yourself for others, too.

When I sit back and reflect, I can't think of a single time in my life past the age of 20 that involved being genuinely happy. Not silver lining happy, but genuinely happy without even trying- so happy I feel like I could burst. I had lots of moments, especially with my kids.. oh, they've forever been my silver lining even though sometimes they can be the source of the storm because I love them so much. But now I'm seeing this life in front of me and the light is so bright, the clouds are all faded away in the distance. They're still there, because life is a complicated creature filled with veins and arteries taking twists and turns around every corner, a multi-faceted entity with so many faces it's rarely recognizable. But the simple joy of waking up every day and living my life is so overwhelming, it has it's own face now. I see it when I open my eyes, and I still see it when I close my eyes.

And yet, I still sometimes wonder about my choices and whether or not I'm making the right ones. Not just for me, but for that face, so that it stays smiling as well. The constant battle between self improvement and self acceptance can never be won, for it leads us to be the best we can be while staying comfortable with who we are now... but it can be a tiresome fight. (Whew, I should print that out and get it cross stitched on a pillow... that was insightful as hell.)

The last few days I've been questioning myself and my choices quite a lot, mostly in regards to my finances and my career, but also in regards to how my family unit is at the moment and what I could have done to change the current situation in which we live. But I know that this will pass, this season of my life, and the next one will hold insight I'm learning now. So for the moment, I just need to sit and listen to all of the little voices and wisps of energy that are showing me the way, so that I can apply them in the next phase of existence and be grateful that I paid attention. The important part is knowing that I am doing my best, and understanding that I'm still learning along the way, because we are all in this for the very first time... And never, ever underestimate the power of that huge silver lining.

Until tomorrow, friends...