Playing catch-up with my soul

Divorces are hard.

I feel so conflicted about that, they shouldn't be hard on one hand... When two adults decide that their directions are not the same, it seems they should be able to come to an agreement... you get this, I'll take that, I'm sorry I hurt you, I forgive you for hurting me, and let's arrange the kids in a way that best suits them not us. The end.

I also understand that it should be hard because the whole sanctity of marriage should remain intact, whether it be a man and a woman or a man and a man or two people that don't identify either way, stating that you promise to love and accept til death do us part, that should be honored to the best of our ability.

Conflicted.

Today is a conflicted day. I'm trying to get a divorce finalized and the emotions that stir and hurt that comes back to the surface make it hard to speak to each other. Not in an argumentative and finger pointing way, but more wistful, I wish this hadn't worked out this way... I tried, I did all I knew how to do, I'm so sorry. It's emotionally exhausting and I can only speak for myself but I wish it could just be finished.

If I've learned anything, I've learned that true love is so anecdotal. So many people have stories of childhood romance, young love that is still burning bright thirty, forty, fifty years later. Of course, even the strongest love faces hurdles, probably almost daily. Marriage takes work. It takes communication and sacrifice on both parts, and the fairy tale is real but so is the effort put in to create the story.

But young love that survives has come to feel so rare, so treasured to me... it's so hard to grow together into adulthood and stay on the same path, going the same direction as your partner, even after all of your growing and developing is done. I do believe in soulmates, and I do believe in true love, in so many forms, but I don't know that I believe anymore that true love can always survive every circumstance, that love really conquers all.

I think, I hope, that I'm wrong. I think I just feel this way at this moment right now, I think the truth is that sometimes what we are recognizing as our one true love is such because we haven't fully prepared ourselves for who we need to be in order to be the best of ourselves when it's time to commit to our life's purpose, whether that be "the one" or "the career" or our children or whatever the thing is that gives you purpose on earth... I think the truth is that we have to open our hearts and minds to the realization that when something is finished, our souls know it is so and are ready to move on, and the rest of us just has to catch up.

I think that's what happened to me. One day, after years of trying and trying and trying again, years of hoping for growth and peace, I had to realize that I wasn't giving up or giving in. I was just catching up with my tired soul.

I can say this... I am emotionally drained today. I'm ready for my past to be at rest so it can catch up with my soul. My soul, however, finally feels at peace for the first time in a very long time, and for that I am grateful.