Dear T,

Losing someone is never easy, especially when it's one of the closest people in your life.

Watching someone you love lose someone is an entirely different kind of hard. It's not as hard, not nearly, but it's frustrating and infuriating to sit by and watch the deepest and most sorrowful hurt attack the person you love most, and be completely helpless in making it stop. You can't take it away, you can't say anything, you can't do anything...

The Boyfriend's grandfather passed away last night. This was an incredible man, a man that built a family and a legacy that will live on for so long, the man responsible for bringing up some of the best people I've ever had the honor of knowing. TB was raised by this man, and my heart is broken into a million pieces for him.

Having lost someone that close before, I know there is absolutely nothing anyone can say or do to make this better, and it shouldn't be better. The amount of pain is equal to the amount of love, and it's a blessing, albeit in disguise, that this man was worthy of such heartbreak. And yet, though I've been on the other side and I've cried and screamed and begged and pleaded and have never been the same since, I still sit here helplessly watching as this pain invades people I care about so deeply.

We do our best to be whatever we need to be in times like this, but people receive grief so differently, no way is the right way. I realize how southern I am, my pull... my core being, my instinct and insatiable desire... is to feed them all. To make casseroles and desserts and things that freeze well and easy to grab snacks and foods that don't require many dishes, you name it, I want them to eat it. I am fighting this, but I'm positive TB will have a buffet of food to choose from tonight, and a lot packaged up to take with him for his family, too.

What to tell him, though... I guess since I'm not sure whether to tell him or not, I'll say it here... Maybe he can read it someday, maybe not. But either way, these are things he should know.

Dear T,

I love you so much. You are so loved, all around in a huge circle, not just me but your mom and Nanny and Pop and all the rest. You have come so far and you have made all of us so proud, especially Pop. I know you're scared. I know you're worried that he didn't know who you have become, that your past sometimes eats away at you. I didn't get to spend the time with you both together the way I wish I had, but I can say this. You were his person, his favorite. You brought him comfort and joy and laughter and care and love, pure and unfiltered love, over and over again in waves and made his life better. You were the bright spot and baby, that's why this hurts so bad. You walk around and you know this is a whole different world, a world existing without a key piece, and you wonder how these strangers in stores, at work, all around can just go on as if nothing has happened, as if it's just another day. You realize that they don't know, they have no idea the loss to the world that has just transpired. There are things that will never be the same again... things that I know and things that only you know. You're going to look at ketchup with a filter now, a muted and subdued filter. You're going to think about Pop every time you put ketchup on absurd things. You're going to look at guacamole all different now, with a muted and subdued filter. Fishing, the shows you watched together, the food you ate, the drinks you drank, the memories you shared have now moved from the category of silly childhood memories to fond but painful reminders, and you'll do them more and you'll do them less because of it. But baby, know this... you made these memories for him, too. Every ounce of joy you feel through your pain when you look back and see his face and hear his voice and are reminded of why he matters so much... that is matched in how he felt for you. You matter too, to him, to all of us. He knows you were there for him, all the way to the end, and he knows that you wanted to make him proud, and he is. He is proud. Sometimes you're going to completely lose your shit, and cry, and your chest will hurt, and that's just because he did such a damn fine job loving you, and those moments should be treasured because every tear you shed is a piece of love you send to him, every time it hurts it's proof that his existence was worth it. And then those times will be fewer and fewer and less and less, and someday the filter you see your memories through will be slightly less clouded, always a little sad, but they'll be fond again, they'll be the things you tell people that will never understand. I don't know what I can do for you, for your mom, for Nanny... But I will watch carefully and do my best to be whatever you need me to be right now, and I'm sorry if I'm getting it wrong. Just know that I'm here, and I'm not the only one... your network has grown and expanded and is stronger than ever and this web we all have woven is here to catch you if you need to fall. I know you won't, you're the strongest man I've ever known... but it's here all the same.

Love you more...
Me