...but being that this blog is serving as my personal diary, and the last week and a half has been a bit melancholy, to say the least, I have decided I'm okay with that. Life is a journey for a reason - some roads are bumpy and uphill and some just coast.
I had the most amazing weekend. TB and I spent the weekend with my parents and the kids, and this is the first time in a long time TB has been able to see my children.
We spent the weekend laughing. We played board games, we ate good food, we tickled and giggled and spent time at the library watching an independent short film (my son wants to be a film editor and producer, so this was meaningful for him) and we parted ways today with bittersweet goodbyes until next time.
This was a big step for a few reasons. My ex doesn't know about TB, not because I'm secretive but because this has been complicated and hurtful and he has been physically threatening to both of us should he find out we're together, and as a result I've not felt comfortable telling him. But my children deserve the kind heart and goodness TB gives them, and he deserves the joy and love they bring, and I decided it was time.
I knew it wouldn't be pretty tonight, though, when the past and the present collided and the cat fell headfirst out of the metaphorical bag. Sure enough, (giving the short version here) he called, he screamed, he threatened our lives, and police were called.
Mind you, he has a girlfriend. I thought perhaps he had moved on and we could finally do the same in peace. I hope somehow we still can, because this life I've been living is so wonderful, and my kids are such a part of it, and it breaks my heart that maybe we can't just simply move on and coparent lovingly and I have said I'm Utopian in my views before but I'll probably repeat it again so many times, but I always feel like Occam's Razor is the best way - the simplest idea is usually correct. The path of just signing our finale and moving on to the next chapter haunts me daily, if only it could be so easy.
I finally finished the petition for decree of dissolution of marriage tonight, and I'll file it tomorrow. I should have already done this, I know, but I am so intimidated by the process... so terrified that I'm going to misstep and complicate this further that I keep putting it off and putting it off and now is the time, here is the place, and it's saved to my desktop and ready to file so hopefully tomorrow I feel as courageous as I do tonight and the deed can be done. I know it's only the first step of many but every journey begins with one small step so cheers to that sentiment.
This has been a day of many emotions, and judging from my writing this evening, many run-on sentences. TB is sleeping on the couch because I'm sitting up, feeling anxious, and he didn't want to make me sit alone. I'm watching him, grateful he is still here. He sent me a text earlier... I know we were in the same house but he respects how much written (or typed) words mean to me, I think, and knew sending it to my phone when I could see it with time rather than hear it in the second it would have taken to speak would be so much more impactful. I had apologized for being so complex, for his placement into a complicated situation and his position of recipient of the harshness and anger derived from hurt given to my ex. I explained that at any moment, I understand if he needs to walk away from this, from threatening phone calls, from concern about physical threats and angrily spoken words. He sent me three words, and they spoke volumes.
"You're worth it."
Referencing my earlier blog post, I know my value as a person... but it is a completely rational reason to move on, when your life is being threatened and you're concerned for your well-being and you're being screamed at through the phone, but he stays regardless. I'm glad he does, and I do believe that I'm worth it, and so is he should it have been a reverse situation, but nevertheless I'm glad he believes it, too.
I'm not even sure how to finish my thoughts here, I feel spent but alert, exhausted but unable to rest. I hoped writing some of my emotion out would help, and perhaps it has, yet here I sit, clicking away, with nothing left to say. I'll resolve it by simply saying goodbye... I'll visit again soon.
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